Shannon's bedtime story

So on the way to Vegas, Shannon asked me to tell her a bedtime story. This post is dedicated to her, and to Maggers for wanting the bad guys name to be Shere Khan. It went something like this.


Part 1: Shannon Gets Kidnapped By Nefarious Characters


Once upon a time there was a little girl named Shannon. She was walking to school one day when this suspicious looking SUV started keeping pace with her. She thought it was weird, but didn't really think anything of it because Shannon was kind of a naive individual.


As she continued on her merry way to school she decided to cut through this narrow alley. When she got about halfway through, a shadow fell across her path. It was the shadow of a ginormous semi-drunk Kenyan! (I know that in the original story it was a giant Polynesian, but this weekend gave me a newfound respect/fear of drunken Kenyans. Especially when they're in large groups.) She turned around to run away but found her path blocked by another bad guy! The first guy snuck up behind her and knocked her out with some sophisticated knock out gas that bad guys always seem to have on them.


When Shannon came to, she found herself tied and gagged in the middle of an empty arena. As she began to struggle against her bonds a voice floated down from the stands.


"Ah, I see you've finally decided to wake up. Welcome Shannon, my name is Shere Khan."


The voice was familiar to her, but she was too busy struggling to try and place it.


"Resistance is useless, so stop struggling and pay attention. You are here, because I believe you to be capaple of epically awesome things. This is a test. If you pass the test you will be ridiculously rich and have all the sexy rugby men you could ever want."


Now as tempting as this offer was, Shannon had morals.


"Mmmmf mmf momph mmmmf!" She yelled defiantly into the gag.


"What was that? Remove her gag!"

A door opened to Shannon's right and two uberly muscular polynesians stepped out. They untied her and stepped back out.


"I said that you smell of football pads and crybabies! I'll never take your offer!" Shannon yelled again.

"That's quite alright my dear, we have other uses for you then." The voice sounded smug and Shannon began to get nervous when she heard the slow clack clack clack of a gate being raised.

thump...

thump...

Two giant paws covered in decaying flesh emerged from the darkness followed by shoulders that were at least four feet off of the ground. Then came the head. IT WAS A ZOMBIE BEAR! Kept on a strict steroids infused diet since its undeath. Yes, steroids work on zombies.

The voice penetrated Shannon's fear fueled stupor. "You fight the bear. You win, we'll give you a head start before recapturing you and feeding you to the sharks. You lose, well, you probably already know the answer to that one. Here's your weapon."


At that, a small knife came flying into the sand pit of the arena, landing at Shannon's feet. The blade was about four inches long and didn't look like it would be that much help. "Balls," Shannon muttered before crouching into a fighting stance.

At some unspoken signal, the bear completely lost it. It went berserk and charged at Shannon! She dove out of the way just in time, rolled and resumed her stance. The bear charged again. This time Shannon dodged to the side and swung up onto it's back and stabbed it's eye.


Nothing happened.


She stabbed it again!

Nothing happened.


The bad guys had altered the bears physiology so that it's brain was five inches back into the head and had reinforced its cranial bones with steel plating. Basically the only way to kill it was to either blow it up completely, shoot it in the face, or stab it with a blade longer than five inches. Bastards.

At this point, Shannon was just holding on for dear life, still occasionally stabbing but for the most part just clinging desperately to the zombie bear's back.

Just when she thought all hope was lost, Shannon saw a flash of black pass her right side and the zombie bear roared in pain and fury. A second black flash passed on the left and Shannon heard someone yell, "Jump!"

Shannon released the bear and rolled clear. She looked up in time to see one of the ninjas stab the bear through its ruined eye and kill it. When the bear keeled over the voice from stands started clapping and a man appeared in the dim light. Shannon could see a tattoo of a tiger that curled around his neck.

"Well done, you little annoyances you. Good thing that's not my only zombie bear, otherwise I might be a little upset. But I find that I'm growing tired of this game. Guards!"

Two doors smashed open and the Kenyan and Polynesian guards rushed in to dispatch of the ninjas and Shannon, but when the doors had opened the two ninjas had leapt into action. One of them grabbed Shannon and the other cleared their path with their katana. As they made their getaway, Shannon passed out from blood loss from her wild zombie bear ride. The last thing she remembered was Shere Khan shouting after them.

"Don't worry Shannon, my dear! We'll meet again soon, I promise!"


Part 2: Shannon, Mo, And Ninja Guy Break Into A Few "Secure" Compounds, Start A Few Fires, And Break A Few Kneecaps

"Mo! I'm absolutely positive that punching a sleeping person in the face would be more detrimental than beneficial! So go away!"


Shannon sat up and looked around, trying to remember where she was. In the doorway she saw a girl dressed as a ninja, minus the mask, arguing with a guy in full ninja getup.


"She's not asleep you sycophantic moron," the girl ninja stated and pushed her way past the guy in the doorway. "Hey Shannon. I'm Mo. I'm kind of awesome and you're going to help us kill Shere Khan and bring down his empire of fun-sucking zombie filled evilness. Capiche?"

"I'm game."

"Excellent! Let's get you some gear!"

By the time Mo, Ninja Guy, and Shannon were ready to go, Shannon was equipped with kukris, nunchucks, and those cool boots that when you stomp the heel a knife pops out of the toe. They then flew their steath plane to Shere Khan's headquarters and broke in, avoiding all detection because they're freaking ninjas and don't get detected.

They busted into Shere Khan's office and tackled him to the floor. Once they had him all tied up and secure, Ninja Guy went out into the hall to keep watch. He also wasn't very good at the whole interrogation thing and Mo had a knack for it.

After the initial beating and threats Shere Khan started laughing hysterically.

"You think that killing me will bring down the corporation. You're wrong! There's someone up higher than me on the food chain and he isn't caught to easily," he said between gasps.

After a few more minutes of violence that has been edited for the more delicate souls reading this, (it involves peeling his tattoo off with Shannon's kukris. There was lots of screaming.) they came to an agreement. In return for a headstart, Shere Khan would tell them the location of the head bad guys hideout. They got their information and let him go. About twenty seconds after he'd left the room the alarm sounded that there were intruders in the compound, but our heroes were already gone and Shere Khan was too busy getting his headstart to give his boss a heads up that they were on their way.

They took the stealth plane to the main bad guys hideout and once again, slipped in without detection. Ninja guy left to go and set fire to the west wing of the compound as a distraction and Shannon and Mo headed to the east wing to find the bad guy.

The explosion resulted in utter chaos, which the girls used to their advantage to move quickly to their destination. When they got to the bad guys office it was empty.

"Ballsack!" exclaimed Shannon. "Where are we supposed to find him if he isn't here?"

"Just wait a minute rookie," Mo said calmly. Thirty seconds later the door burst open and shut as a man came rushing in. He didn't see the two figures in black, one standing in the corner the other sitting on the desk chair.

"Going somewhere?" asked Mo. He froze at the door and turned around slowly. The light from the fire Ninja Guy had started filled the room and illuminated the man's face. Shannon gasped.

"Andy Anderson! Now it makes total sense! I always knew you were evil!" Mo accused, standing up from the chair in a swift motion.

"Actually it's Olaf. (We all know that the bad guy had to be Russian right? Or German I guess...) Come on, you really think someone would name their kid Andy Anderson? That's just cruel!" he laughed.

"Well laugh at this!" Mo drew her katana in one swift motion and with a flick of her wrist, the blade started flaming.

Andy Anderson did laugh, and drew his own blade, which he also started on fire.

The two fighters leapt at each other, swords ablaze. Sparks flew and Shannon started sweating from all the fire in the room, it didn't help that the compound fire was spreading closer and closer. Ninja Guy slipped in through the window to watch with Shannon.

"Who's winning?" he asked.

"Meh, it's 50/50. Mo's good, but Andy Anderson has the power of evil on his side."

"Fair enough."

With a triumphant yell, Andy Anderson disarmed Mo and ran her through the chest. Both Shannon and Ninja Guy drew their weapons to avenge their fallen comrade. What nobody knew is that Mo was wearing her flame retardant katana proof vest. Sneaky sneaky!
She grabbed Andy Anderson's blade, yelled something totally obscene and stabbed him in the belly, his own weight as he fell down doing most of the impaling work for her.

With Olaf the Russian AKA Andy Anderson dead, they set about blowing the rest of the compound up so that the evil experiments that had resulted in the zombie bear couldn't go on. When they had that taken care of they went back to their super secret ninja hideout to wait for the next bad guy to show his face so they could stab it. And that's the story of how Shannon was recruited by a group of crime fighting ninjas.

The End


Oh yeah, Shere Khan's voice was familiar to Shannon because he used to be her nanny. She was a little punk all the time, which is why he wanted her to get eaten by a zombie bear.