Tuesday, March 29, 2011
"The look of concentration you have makes you look mildy constipated. I'm just saying," said Kari, who was not only my current bag partner but also my roommate.
"Shut up Kari, or I'll tell Mike that you sing to yourself when you're on the toilet." Oh yeah, she's also dating my brother.
I practiced a few hooks in slow motion, trying to make it feel more natural. When I was feeling confident I tried throwing one at full speed and felt my wrist pop when I hit the bag.
"Sonovabitch!" I glared daggers at the stupid punching bag while massaging my sore wrist. It didn't feel like anything was broken at least.
"It would feel more natural if you kept your striking arm closer to your body and rotated from your hips rather than just your shoulders," came a voice from behind me. Even if I hadn't been familiar with that voice, Kari's smirk would've tipped me off. Ballsack.
"Hey Will," Kari said, "How's Econ treating you?"
"Meh, Professor Anderson is Satan, but I'll be able to pull a C at least. How about you?"
I continued doing hooks while Kari exchanged pleasantries with Will, AKA Current Bane of My Existence. Sure, he had the whole "Sexy Australian" thing going for him, but he also had this way of annoying the hell out of me with less that ten words. One time he did it in four. Did he realize that he did this? I don't really know. And was I going to blame him anyway? You betcha.
My revenge on the punching bag was interrupted when Will said, "Leanna, are you trying to hurt yourself? Here, let me show you." I clenched my fists and stepped back while he executed a textbook perfect hook. Watching did help me realize what I was doing wrong, but I'd be damned if I told him that. When he was done, he asked me to try a few, which I did half-heartedly.
"Looking better already. See ya later Kari." He winked and left.
When he was gone I snorted in disgust then turned and threw a solid hook at the bag. It felt awesome.
"Man, if I wasn't head over heels in love with Mike I would totally hit that," said Kari. She wasn't talking about the punching bag. "What the crap is your problem?!"
"I'm sorry, but I'm just not into patronizing, infuriating, cocky douche bags who think they're god's gift to women. I don't understand how you can stand sitting next to him for more than five minutes, this seriously baffles me. Sure, he has that hot accent and he smells amazing but...what?" I cut off my tirade at the sight of Kari's smirking face.
"You think I smell awesome? I want to say that's adorable, but it's mostly weird."
Note to self: Kill Kari. I'm sure Mike would understand.
I just stood there, frozen and staring at the punching bag. In my periphery, I saw Will bend down and grab the water bottle he'd forgotten.
"I saw that hook by the way, it looked good and solid. You're welcome." I could just hear the smugness dripping from his words, and I felt heat rise to my face. I glanced over to see if he was leaving yet. Nope. He was just standing there expectantly. As I watched, he leaned against the wall, folded his arms across his chest and raised his eyebrows as if to say, "I'm waiting".
"Thanks for the help," I said with clipped words, imagining his perfect teeth just falling out of his mouth made the words a little easier to say. I then turned to grab my stuff so that I could go and mourn the departure of my dignity in the comfort of my own room.
"If you're really grateful, you'll have dinner with me this Friday," he said. I turned and raised an eyebrow at him. Seriously?
"I work Fridays," I said, then started walking out of the room into the main gym. Kari was taking her own sweet time grabbing her gear. Will walked next to me, he really did smell amazing. I'm pretty sure I smelled like cheetos and....death.
"How about tonight then?" he asked. I opened my mouth to make up an excuse, but Kari beat me to the punch.
"That's perfect! Lea, you just told me that you don't have any homework tonight and wanted to go out for Italian. Now I don't have to!" I'm fairly positive I resembled a fish with my mouth hanging open and gaping at the traitor who Kari had become.
Will's face lit up and he said, "Excellent! How does an hour sound? Good? Ok, I'll pick you up at seven then!" and with his usual wink, he left.
I waited until I saw him drive away before turning to Kari and saying, "Just so you know, you're dead to me. Also, I'm calling dibs on the last of your peanut butter as payment for this betrayal."
"Oh you totally want him. And if you take the rest of my peanut butter I'll have no choice but to finish off your brownie ice cream."
"I love you too Lea."
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Well I had this idea as I was driving home from Logan last night, but I'm not sure how successful it will be because I only have like three people who follow my blog. That's ok though! Because I have a backup plan if this one flops. Look at me, making plans and such like a real adult, whoop whoop!
Here's the idea: In the comments section, post a request for a short story you would like me to write (kind of like Shannon's bedtime story). You can be as specific or vague as you like, but if you could write something more than "I would like a story", that would be great! I'll then write you a story and post it on my blog in a timely manner for your enjoyment.
The logic behind this idea? If I want to be a writer, I'll be having to deal with deadlines, writer's block, critics, etc. And I figure this will kind of give me a small taste as to whether or not I'm cut out for it. At this point, I do love writing, but that's easy to say when you're just writing for yourself and for fun. If I throw some pressure into the equation and I can still say I love it, well hello English Major.
With lots on her mind, no one telling her what to do.
Who knew, that this world could be so cold?
Time flew, when the hell'd we get so old?
Decision time, wish it were easier to choose,
But I'm on my own. Here we go, everything to lose.
I've heard people say that we learn best from our mistakes.
But how many times, before this mind or this body breaks?
I've got my flaws, but don't you judge cause you do too.
And don't patronize, because I'm strong and I'll get through.
Decision time, wish it were easier to choose,
But I'm on my own. Here we go, everything to lose.
Here we go, everthing to lose.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Part 1: Shannon Gets Kidnapped By Nefarious Characters
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Shannon. She was walking to school one day when this suspicious looking SUV started keeping pace with her. She thought it was weird, but didn't really think anything of it because Shannon was kind of a naive individual.
As she continued on her merry way to school she decided to cut through this narrow alley. When she got about halfway through, a shadow fell across her path. It was the shadow of a ginormous semi-drunk Kenyan! (I know that in the original story it was a giant Polynesian, but this weekend gave me a newfound respect/fear of drunken Kenyans. Especially when they're in large groups.) She turned around to run away but found her path blocked by another bad guy! The first guy snuck up behind her and knocked her out with some sophisticated knock out gas that bad guys always seem to have on them.
When Shannon came to, she found herself tied and gagged in the middle of an empty arena. As she began to struggle against her bonds a voice floated down from the stands.
"Ah, I see you've finally decided to wake up. Welcome Shannon, my name is Shere Khan."
The voice was familiar to her, but she was too busy struggling to try and place it.
"Resistance is useless, so stop struggling and pay attention. You are here, because I believe you to be capaple of epically awesome things. This is a test. If you pass the test you will be ridiculously rich and have all the sexy rugby men you could ever want."
Now as tempting as this offer was, Shannon had morals.
"Mmmmf mmf momph mmmmf!" She yelled defiantly into the gag.
"What was that? Remove her gag!"
A door opened to Shannon's right and two uberly muscular polynesians stepped out. They untied her and stepped back out.
"I said that you smell of football pads and crybabies! I'll never take your offer!" Shannon yelled again.
"That's quite alright my dear, we have other uses for you then." The voice sounded smug and Shannon began to get nervous when she heard the slow clack clack clack of a gate being raised.
Two giant paws covered in decaying flesh emerged from the darkness followed by shoulders that were at least four feet off of the ground. Then came the head. IT WAS A ZOMBIE BEAR! Kept on a strict steroids infused diet since its undeath. Yes, steroids work on zombies.
The voice penetrated Shannon's fear fueled stupor. "You fight the bear. You win, we'll give you a head start before recapturing you and feeding you to the sharks. You lose, well, you probably already know the answer to that one. Here's your weapon."
At that, a small knife came flying into the sand pit of the arena, landing at Shannon's feet. The blade was about four inches long and didn't look like it would be that much help. "Balls," Shannon muttered before crouching into a fighting stance.
At some unspoken signal, the bear completely lost it. It went berserk and charged at Shannon! She dove out of the way just in time, rolled and resumed her stance. The bear charged again. This time Shannon dodged to the side and swung up onto it's back and stabbed it's eye.
She stabbed it again!
The bad guys had altered the bears physiology so that it's brain was five inches back into the head and had reinforced its cranial bones with steel plating. Basically the only way to kill it was to either blow it up completely, shoot it in the face, or stab it with a blade longer than five inches. Bastards.
At this point, Shannon was just holding on for dear life, still occasionally stabbing but for the most part just clinging desperately to the zombie bear's back.
Just when she thought all hope was lost, Shannon saw a flash of black pass her right side and the zombie bear roared in pain and fury. A second black flash passed on the left and Shannon heard someone yell, "Jump!"
Shannon released the bear and rolled clear. She looked up in time to see one of the ninjas stab the bear through its ruined eye and kill it. When the bear keeled over the voice from stands started clapping and a man appeared in the dim light. Shannon could see a tattoo of a tiger that curled around his neck.
"Well done, you little annoyances you. Good thing that's not my only zombie bear, otherwise I might be a little upset. But I find that I'm growing tired of this game. Guards!"
Two doors smashed open and the Kenyan and Polynesian guards rushed in to dispatch of the ninjas and Shannon, but when the doors had opened the two ninjas had leapt into action. One of them grabbed Shannon and the other cleared their path with their katana. As they made their getaway, Shannon passed out from blood loss from her wild zombie bear ride. The last thing she remembered was Shere Khan shouting after them.
"Don't worry Shannon, my dear! We'll meet again soon, I promise!"
Part 2: Shannon, Mo, And Ninja Guy Break Into A Few "Secure" Compounds, Start A Few Fires, And Break A Few Kneecaps
"Mo! I'm absolutely positive that punching a sleeping person in the face would be more detrimental than beneficial! So go away!"
Shannon sat up and looked around, trying to remember where she was. In the doorway she saw a girl dressed as a ninja, minus the mask, arguing with a guy in full ninja getup.
"She's not asleep you sycophantic moron," the girl ninja stated and pushed her way past the guy in the doorway. "Hey Shannon. I'm Mo. I'm kind of awesome and you're going to help us kill Shere Khan and bring down his empire of fun-sucking zombie filled evilness. Capiche?"
"Excellent! Let's get you some gear!"
By the time Mo, Ninja Guy, and Shannon were ready to go, Shannon was equipped with kukris, nunchucks, and those cool boots that when you stomp the heel a knife pops out of the toe. They then flew their steath plane to Shere Khan's headquarters and broke in, avoiding all detection because they're freaking ninjas and don't get detected.
They busted into Shere Khan's office and tackled him to the floor. Once they had him all tied up and secure, Ninja Guy went out into the hall to keep watch. He also wasn't very good at the whole interrogation thing and Mo had a knack for it.
After the initial beating and threats Shere Khan started laughing hysterically.
"You think that killing me will bring down the corporation. You're wrong! There's someone up higher than me on the food chain and he isn't caught to easily," he said between gasps.
After a few more minutes of violence that has been edited for the more delicate souls reading this, (it involves peeling his tattoo off with Shannon's kukris. There was lots of screaming.) they came to an agreement. In return for a headstart, Shere Khan would tell them the location of the head bad guys hideout. They got their information and let him go. About twenty seconds after he'd left the room the alarm sounded that there were intruders in the compound, but our heroes were already gone and Shere Khan was too busy getting his headstart to give his boss a heads up that they were on their way.
They took the stealth plane to the main bad guys hideout and once again, slipped in without detection. Ninja guy left to go and set fire to the west wing of the compound as a distraction and Shannon and Mo headed to the east wing to find the bad guy.
The explosion resulted in utter chaos, which the girls used to their advantage to move quickly to their destination. When they got to the bad guys office it was empty.
"Ballsack!" exclaimed Shannon. "Where are we supposed to find him if he isn't here?"
"Just wait a minute rookie," Mo said calmly. Thirty seconds later the door burst open and shut as a man came rushing in. He didn't see the two figures in black, one standing in the corner the other sitting on the desk chair.
"Going somewhere?" asked Mo. He froze at the door and turned around slowly. The light from the fire Ninja Guy had started filled the room and illuminated the man's face. Shannon gasped.
"Andy Anderson! Now it makes total sense! I always knew you were evil!" Mo accused, standing up from the chair in a swift motion.
"Actually it's Olaf. (We all know that the bad guy had to be Russian right? Or German I guess...) Come on, you really think someone would name their kid Andy Anderson? That's just cruel!" he laughed.
"Well laugh at this!" Mo drew her katana in one swift motion and with a flick of her wrist, the blade started flaming.
Andy Anderson did laugh, and drew his own blade, which he also started on fire.
The two fighters leapt at each other, swords ablaze. Sparks flew and Shannon started sweating from all the fire in the room, it didn't help that the compound fire was spreading closer and closer. Ninja Guy slipped in through the window to watch with Shannon.
"Who's winning?" he asked.
"Meh, it's 50/50. Mo's good, but Andy Anderson has the power of evil on his side."
With a triumphant yell, Andy Anderson disarmed Mo and ran her through the chest. Both Shannon and Ninja Guy drew their weapons to avenge their fallen comrade. What nobody knew is that Mo was wearing her flame retardant katana proof vest. Sneaky sneaky!
She grabbed Andy Anderson's blade, yelled something totally obscene and stabbed him in the belly, his own weight as he fell down doing most of the impaling work for her.
With Olaf the Russian AKA Andy Anderson dead, they set about blowing the rest of the compound up so that the evil experiments that had resulted in the zombie bear couldn't go on. When they had that taken care of they went back to their super secret ninja hideout to wait for the next bad guy to show his face so they could stab it. And that's the story of how Shannon was recruited by a group of crime fighting ninjas.
Oh yeah, Shere Khan's voice was familiar to Shannon because he used to be her nanny. She was a little punk all the time, which is why he wanted her to get eaten by a zombie bear.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Clams: Why the crap are they so happy? Drugs perhaps? I think that's the only way, because what to they really have to be happy about? Someone should tell them but I can't be the one because A) the only clams I have access to would probably be the ones at Sizzler or something and they already know life sucks and B) I'd hate to be the one to burst their bubble of happiness.
Road Construction: Effing potholes on the stupid freeway! Did I already tell you guys how I got a flat tire on my way to work last week because I hit a pothole? And it was balls cold outside and no, I didn't have my coat because I'm an idiot sometimes. But an optimistic idiot! Driving home today I was driving half in the slow lane and half in the not-so-slow lane before my exit because the slow lane is actually a pothole ridden DEATH TRAP! Also, people who drive 50 mph in the fast lane suck.
Batteries: Useful for powering things and that's it right? WRONG! You can throw them at people to see if they're dead.
Magic Radio: Driving home, trying to aviod the slow lane, had just called my *bleh* boyfriend (maybe I'll explain someday) to say we could now play. He didn't answer. So I'm driving and come to the conclusion that if I find the song that is my ringtone on the radio, it will make my phone ring and it will be him. After ten minutes of fruitlessly searching through radio stations I found the song, and not two seconds later MY PHONE STARTED RINGING! And it was him! Like I said. My radio is magic and I'll try to use it's powers for limites evil and mostly good.
That is all. I'm going to go and try to have an adventure.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Ok, so I've moved back in with my parents for a number of reasons, but reason numero uno is...it's cheap. Megan and I moved all last weekend and it was a pain (as all college students know because we move a lot! Or at least I did...was that abnormal?) But we finally got all our junk over here and guess what! I get an actual room! All to myself! So of course I'm going to paint it.
I've had this idea for a while that I've wanted to do but haven't been able to, so I was pretty excited about finally being able to do it. Let me see if I can describe it first before you look at the pictures. I wanted to do a sunset along one wall with the silhouette of a city. I decided to do Rome because A.) I've always wanted to go there and B.) It's a bitchin skyline.
I'm now going to walk you through the process.
This is what my room looked like to start out with:
Not bad, just a nice relaxing light green. After painting it looked like this:
Looks a bit like an explosion right? Ok I'm going to interrupt myself with a story.
When I was painting my room I had to shut the door so I could get the wall on the other side of it. I then forgot to open the door again. Three hours later I'd painted this awesomeness and I was very very loopy. I was loopy the next day too when I was at my friend Scott's homecoming. This woman stood up after Scott to speak and started off by saying that her name was Susan Kay Somethingorother but went by Kay and this here was her husband Gary. At that point I leaned over to Naya and whispered "He goes by Gary" I seriously thought that was so hilarious that when I was telling it to some friends after sacrament I was doubled over, reduced to tears. If that isn't paint euphoria I don't know what is. Around Sunday night I was over my fit of giggles.
Moving on! I had Megan sketch me the skyline of Rome on some poster board which I cut out then taped to the wall:
In an effort to not get high off of the paint fumes again (there's only so much the brain can take in a 72 hour period right? For example, in that last sentence alone I had to retype five words two or three times because I kept on misspelling them.) I tied a scarf around my face. I don't think it was very successful.